What? An Update…NO!

{{journal_mood stressed}}

To all who have called or emailed, sorry! I have just been a tad bit to stressed out lately and needing some time to myself. Things are good, actually very good yet I am just really stressed out from making sure everything is good. Well, maybe I am just stressed out knowing all is good and all is set on its course which will make life happier but with my stress level as high as it is, I am worrying that I am going to blow it.

I really have gone out of my way and then some to make things better in my life but it has taken a huge hit on my energy. More than I wanted or expected and that is draining me emotionally to the point where I am finding myself in panic mode simply over the fact that it’s all what I wanted and needed yet I have to wait for it to all unfold….

First of all, Dazzle is planning on moving out which is a good thing. I’ll keep the house and he’ll move on to better opportunities. We both are happy about this and see it as a good thing. However, Dazzle’s only stipulation is that Boy Wonder moves in so I don’t have to worry about the house alone. Ok, nice thought on Dazzle’s part and yes, Boy Wonder is going to move in but Boy Wonder, as I am learning, is a bit stand-offish with Dazzle and is hoping he will move out first because he doesn’t want to be caught in the middle of Dazzle and my tension. But I think Boy Wonder and I have talked about a plan so it will work for both him and Dazzle.

I can understand that, no one needs new drama in their life; I create enough for the entire world and Boy Wonder gets a huge bunch of that from me already. Plus Boy Wonder and I have a cool plan for the house, kind of redoing the rooms to make it fun and maybe get it so both he and I will exercise more with an actual room with stuff to use. He us to be a big fitness person and since I have a running machine, nice weight set and some other stuff all sitting in the garage, it would be nice to use them. Add to that, the stress I am under with Dazzle will be gone and my life can calm down BUT I won’t have to do it all alone (physically).

On another front, I have started up this conversation with a guy from Russia. Actually he sounds cute and yes, I have his picture. He is entertaining to talk too and lots of fun. There’s a huge time difference which makes it weird but I am enjoying the conversation and banter which if I can just stop stressing and get back to wanting to write, I will have something to enjoy in that aspect of my life. But sadly, just like replying back to emails, updating my journal and calling people back I just don’t feel like doing it cause all I want to do is scream and whimper pour me…. I hate that about myself right now but I need the continued support from my friends. Right now, you all are the reason I am holding it together.

Yet on another front, I am also trying to get Boy Wonder a job at where I work. He’d actually work for me helping with my job which I desperately need. I’ve worked my ass off this last week making it happen and have promises from senior people that it will happen but at the last minute they decided my boss has the final say. Not sure how a promise can work when someone else gets to fulfill it. I know he’d make an awesome and much needed addition to the office but I am seriously worried about my boss taking the opportunity and using it for something else. He’s done it before and he has some tension about me which makes it really difficult to hold trust in him. That is really stressing me out, I need him to trust me and take that risk as it would make me feel a lot better about my job. Sadly though, I am not sure what he’s going to do though he seems excited and willing and pretty much said he just wants to make sure they are a good fit, until it happens … I just don’t know.

And yet on other front, the furnace in our house has died (or is close to dying) and the house is sitting at a nice 51 degrees. I finally found an old heater to sit by my desk but Dazzle won’t let me call a repair person. He wants to bring a friend over and have them look at it. Boy Wonder looked it over and we both feel something is wrong with some of the electronics which means we are going to need a repair person to fix it, not just a friend. I really would like to get it fixed today so I can actually sleep all night and be ready for work tomorrow without waking up in 30 degree coldness in the middle of the night.

Let’s see, Christmas is almost here and I am suppose to go to my Mom’s but right now with all this stress I just don’t want to go yet I know I need to because it would be a nice break for me and such a nice long drive. But I haven’t gotten all the stuff everyone wanted me to bring which will just disappoint them which only adds to my stress. I just don’t feel like shopping or ordering stuff nor do I feel like being their support vessel right now. That is a lesser worry for me but it’s still there. I can deal with my family, I just don’t want to.

And there are other distractions going on. Money is tight right now, Dazzle who gets the mail hasn’t been giving it to me and I just realized we are a month behind in bills, actually two months. I thought I had them all paid, I never look at dates, I just write the check when they come in and forget about it. Well, I finally found the bills and just about died realizing that they are now two months behind. That was a nifty walk up call. It’s not a problem, I have the money to pay them all off it was just not what I expected nor needed right now. I’ve probably spent close to $3,000 this month alone and really wasn’t planning on spending another $2,000 to get bills caught up; I’d rather of gotten gifts and things for people.

So here I sit, stressing over way to much … making mountains out of perfectly calm plains … I have my little heater going, waiting on Dazzle’s friend to show and yet I am worrying about stuff I can’t control but so desperately want them each to happen. Sure if they don’t I’ll be fine just like always but I just want things to go my way for a change so I can take a break, relax and just be calm for a little bit. Honestly, I have went the extra mile and then went further to fix things … things that will make me feel better, I just wish they where done and settled before either I mess them up or someone else messes them up. A lot depends on other people right now and I know these are the right things that will make me happier; I don’t think anyone else sees that nor should they have too but for me, they are important and what I want. I hate sounding self deserving but I so much want to move on with my life and do it in such a way that I can feel proud that I did the right thing.

And finally, work. I am so incredibly stressed out there. I have far too many projects going on and what is frustrating is knowing that with the right help I could move forward without hesitation and/or worry getting each project completed. Getting Boy Wonder on would be an awesome coo for the company. He’s the first person that I have known in many years that has the skill set and motivation to do the job we need and do it along side me without me having to train him heavily or create the trust you need in someone to do parts of what I do there.

Work is always stressful yet I love what I do. But I also know that without this help and support I am going to have to throw in the towel soon and start looking for another job. The company is great but they have a significant problem with hiring any type of administrative help unless that person can be 100% billable. Boy Wonder’s position, just like mine, is not billable, given time though I could make it billable and start making money for the company. I just need them to give me this chance.


P.S. The friend Dazzle asked to come look at the furnace cancelled so the house will remain cold as a freezer, Dazzle can worry about it tomorrow, hopefully. I did finally call Opus back and we really had a great conversation. Thank you so much Opus for letting me rant and for providing me with advice. I feel better and the stress level has dropped somewhat. Patients is my ticket here and I need to let it be used, I just want so much for everything to go as planned because it would make such a huge difference on my life.

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