Stressing Out!

{{journal_mood stressed}}

Update … update … update….

Stress … stress and more stress. I have only a few minutes before I have to rush off and do something else but I wanted to post an update.

I have our Administrative Holiday Luncheon here in an hour which will be fun but I am so very stressed out that part of me is excited the other part wants to just pass out. I’ve got way too much on my mind lately. Eventually I will share what some of this stress is but right now I am holding it a close secret while some pieces come in to place.

Life otherwise is the same. I am feeling incredibly out of it, knowing that I really need to find something to make myself happy from a personal level but have yet to figure out what I need to do. Hobbies and activities aren’t working like they us to. I think I just need to admit that I am just feeling very lonely and have felt that way for over five years. My mind and all its walls finally just can’t hide it from myself anymore and it’s eating away at who I am. Fixing that is not as easy as I would hope; first of all, I did it to myself trying to uphold a promise that shouldn’t have been held on too.

I’m not mad at myself nor at anyone else I just need to fix it. Five years is a very long time to try and rebuild an image and positive feeling about one’s self but I keep on trying. Eventually I will get it together and life will be back to normal. I am just exhausted from trying to maintain my feelings and the everyday struggle to hold back the desire to fall in to the pit of depression that looms around me.

I am also focusing all my energy on this project mentioned above, one in which I am holding off on sharing until I know for a fact it is completed. I am pushing hard on it and those involved so it will happen before year end. I have the verbal agreement that it is done but until I have written proof, I have to keep the ball rolling.

Sadly though, that is taking far more energy than I expected and though it is a very good thing, it is wearing me out and making things incredibly hard. But then the hardest things in life to obtain are usually the best, I’ve known that for so many years that even the though of it being untrue is laughable. It will all come together in time, as someone in the office said, be patient. I really hate that word "patient".

Right now, I need some good news and to have a few of my personal desires come true. They all are slated to happen but I just want them done NOW so I can enjoy the reward and feeling of satisfaction. Plus I have to admit, I am stressing myself out worrying that I am going to screw up stuff because I haven’t the ability to de-stress. I really have some hefty goals I want to see completed and like I said, they are all going to happen, waiting right now is hard because I lack the ability to relax and just let things happen. I want to push them and move them along faster but doing that will probably screw everything up.

Well, I need to get back to work and I really need to reply to some emails. Sorry to those emailing, I just haven’t had a chance … getting to it right now.