Side Note: I’ve decided to give everyone I talk about names, so hence forth here are the new names: Hermes is my friend who lives in Utah (he picked his name, not me), Bare Foot is my most entertaining friend (and gal pal) who lives in Tennessee and really needs to stay on the pill, Boy Wonder is my one friend that lives here and drives me CRAZY (he’d now what it means)! Dazzle is my life partner of 11 years (ugg…you’d understand if you met him). More will be added as I get to them, so no one will be left out … now don’t you all feel special!
On with the journal:
I am so very confused. Boy Wonder that I tend to dwell on way to much, I finally decided that he and I probably just needed to go our separate ways. I was just going to leave him alone and let him drift off. Trust me, this was no easy task. I care about him as much as I care about Hermes and Bare Foot. I mean, lets see, I have been trying to get together to do something for weeks and he now just ignores me or forgets about me. Only time I have heard from him is when he needs a computer question answered. I know he’s got a lot on his mind and going through a rough spell in life and me being who I am, probably doesn’t help. I am beginning to wonder if I am high-maintenance.
So, today, I did my thing. Kind of just finally decided to let go and give him what ever space he needed and silently say my goodbyes. Hardest freaking thing for me to do since I was going to do it and not even get closure which is something I need for my own well being. I don’t want to hurt him, I really don’t. I just don’t want to be the one hurting him because I am just a tad bit difficult to deal with and admittedly require some time to understand.
Here I was, finally coming to terms with everything and chatting with Bare Foot in messenger. We haven’t chatted in a very long time and it was really nice to get to chat with her when Boy Wonder (the one noted above and all over this journal which probably should be just titled with his name to save you and me the trouble) sends me a message, first message I have gotten from him in days. I reply back with something not to threatening, trying my hardest to just be distant and what does he do! For the first time, he opens up with me and starts to talk. Freak. I honestly think hell froze over and a pig flew over my house … I sat there totally stunned.
I really do care about this person and as much as he drives me crazy and leads me into a tail spin emotionally, I couldn’t let him feel down nor try to remain distant. We talked and talked. He is in worse shape than I had even thought and was actually reaching out for help. God knows I will help a friend in need and that is what I hope I did. In the end, he needs to talk to someone and even he sees that. He said some things that worry me more than usual and a few things that would make our friendship incredibly difficult down the long road. I gave him a number of a local service that I get as part of my health care service that anyone in my household can use. Since he hopefully will be a roommate soon, I thought it best he use it. He said he would.
I just don’t know what to think right now. I made my peace and gave him his space, I care so much for him but this is so too hard for me. I did tell him a few things that I think he needed to hear but not all. And now he continues to chat with me as I type this. Honestly, I feel my friend standing next to me right now. Not because he opened up, he is just talking and being a part of my life which is all I ever asked or wanted yet I am so totally confused and stressed out.
I was ready to let him move on and find his own destiny even though I think he and I would be great friends in the long run. But him and his moods, these problems he faces, he not wanting to let me in, that is so very hard. I would love to have him around and call him a best friend but I am not sure which one of us will kill the other first.
And what is this thing about chatting on messenger. He will get phone calls and be on other voice servers and I feel jealous. I am not a jealous person, well, not for a long time and that was only with a boyfriend so why do I feel jealous when he is talking to his friends. Is it because I rarely get to talk live with him and always have to type. Maybe that’s it, honestly I don’t care who he is chatting with I just want to talk instead of type. I kind of feel like the bad step-sister who should be hidden away from the world when he gets like that with his other friends.
Or, do I really need to learn to relax as he always tells me. What do I need to get out of this friendship with him that would make me feel relaxed? Honestly, I think that is him trusting me and knowing I will always be there for him, understanding that my friendship comes without strings, reason or desires. It comes as friendship should, as carrying for another because they make your life a better place. Perhaps, just perhaps, that is what he is doing. He trusts me enough to know that we’ll have time to spend more so than others and he and I can message anytime and see each other anytime.
In a way, he reminds me of Hermes because of that. He and I have no doubts about our friendship but the difference here is it’s mutual but with Boy Wonder it’s him not doubting me, me very much so doubting him. Perhaps Hermes was correct, he lives so close that I know we could get together and see each other and do things where as I can’t with my other friends and that in itself drives me crazy.
I just don’t know. I am confused and upset right now. Not at my friend but at myself. I honestly don’t know if I should be upset Boy Wonder. I just don’t understand what is happening and not sure how to proceed. I want to run away and scream out of frustration. Why in the freaking world is this so damn hard, anyone else … anyone at all … I would have said screw this and went on with my life. Why is this one person so damn important to me, perhaps it is that I know he has potential and unlike the others in my life, he is so radically different than me that I can’t seem to find a common ground?
UPDATE: As I was writing this, Hermes called and well, he couldn’t have picked a worse time for him to call could he! Boy did he have a lot to listen too, that’s the condensed version above, and he got to hear the full thing…. Scary isn’t it!
Well, as always, I am truly lucky to have friends like him in my life. He listened and truly helped. I think he pointed out something I need to think more about and that is the fact that I still have walls up around Boy Wonder. These walls are from what happened before and I need to drop them and just be his friend, life is full of risks and though I really doubt what happened before would repeat itself I need to take this risk for Boy Wonder.
I really just have to trust Boy Wonder and be there for him during this time. Honestly that is what a friend is for and I am his friend damn it. Perhaps he could call and do stuff with me but maybe he does think of me as that good of a friend and knows that he doesn’t need to do that because I will be here in the long run. I just hope he doesn’t move away like he said he was thinking about doing. Not for a while at least, I am just getting the chance to know him again and would enjoy having that time.
So, I am still worried and stressed but it has been lessened. Boy Wonder is my friend and though he can bring out the worst in me, friends don’t let friends down. And in time, he might be the person he once was with me and all this worrying will go away. However, once he is back to normal, he and I are going to have a nice long conversation. I might just have to tie him down to make sure he listens.
Now the question is, can I keep this up tomorrow at work and feel good like this. I really don’t have to be stressed out at work again. The last couple weeks have been to much and I need to have a bit of a good time and enjoy for a bit to recoup some of my own energy.