Last night started off as one of those nights I have been having. Going home, feeling down and lonely. I went to talk to one of my friends over instant messenger but well…I think it’s time for me to face it. This one friend just isn’t into listening to emotions or even noticing. Kind of like the person I am suppose to be sharing my life with it.
It’s not his fault, he’s going through some very rough stuff in life and probably isn’t even seeing little things around him aka, a friend making very subtle hints that he wants to talk. I think it’s time to let him do his thing and give him his space. That isn’t an easy thing for me to do but after spending three hours chatting with my other friend from Utah; babbling away in his ear, I think I am seeing some issues that I need to address not only with my one friend but with life in general.
My Utah friend was in top form last night and really holds true to the meaning of what a friend is. I can’t really describe how I am feeling but having a friend who will not only listen but give their own advice be it good or bad, and then genuinely care as he lets you babble on and on, is truly … as the saying goes … a blessing.
We talked about many issues. And it was part of the loneness one that I realized I am holding onto a person and hoping they will be a true friend, stand beside me in my time of need, fill the void when I am lonely and be there when things look bleak. However, that poor friend … who does try, has his own daemons to slay and instead of being there, is causing me to not only open old wounds but see sides of me that I need to face up to. Basically the idea that I need to spend some time and recreate or update my circle of friends and stop crying over spilt milk, it isn’t as if I wasn’t aware of what was going on. I simply stayed in my comfort zone a bit too long and by the time it was all said and done, no one was left.
It really isn’t my one friends fault. I can’t blame him, it is mine. I won’t hurt him or let him down but I think it’s time I step away from him and let him do his thing. He has lots of other friends and many who care about him as much as I do. He’ll be fine and honestly, I doubt he will notice. He’s relearning how to live in a sense and I think he knows if he ever truly needs me, I will be waiting right there. I do see him tonight and I am going to try to just be myself and let things be normal but I know it’s going to hurt. I want so much to scream and yell not at him but just release my frustrations because I hate letting someone go. Especially someone who I care so much for, but it’s the right thing and I know he will understand down the road. I love him with all my heart and even though my straight, macho, I have no feelings friend hates me saying that, he knows it is true.
The next step is to survive the holiday season and not get worse. I think I will go visit my friend in Vegas for Turkey Day. It is time to switch to a new online game to play. I finally turned off the notify feature of my instant messenger so I won’t see people coming and going and wish I was with them or finding some lame reason to chat and end up making myself feel down. I am going to just enjoy myself for a while and try to get past some of these sad feelings running through my head.
Then, once I feel that I am coping better with my feelings, I need to take the next plunge and talk to my partner/roommate; he and I need to start moving on with our lives but separately. I love him and always will but it’s time to let it go and both of us can start growing again. To be honest, I am not worried about this conversation as most would. It should have happened sometime back, both he and I know that, it’s just been comfortable and easy so we haven’t done it.
So this year for Christmas, my gift to myself is starting new. Moving forward and relearning who I am again. I am actually excited and in a good mood. The lonely feeling is still there but I know that eventually I will have it filled with people again. And I am excited to step out in the world again as a single person. It’s been a very long time and though I am a heck of a lot older, I am also a heck of a lot wiser and maybe that one true love will be waiting out there and if he’s not I will have my friends which besides sex are what being in love is about.
That’s all for now… At least I can put a smiley face on my journal finally and know that it is for real.