I started off the day with my plan. Part one is to give my one friend some space so he can do his thing and for me so I can do mine. I really like him, he and I have so much fun together but when I can’t open up and just be myself, have fun and then be moody and just need to chatter…. He doesn’t want that right now and I can understand why. He has some heavy issues going on and honestly I don’t blame him for not wanting to hear mine.
Hardest thing I had to do today was when he called to ask about meeting to trade some stuff we have for each other. (He doesn’t know what I am doing, I just want to be there for him but I don’t want to pressure him. We just was had a quick trade and he had to go do some other stuff. Ugg…another story there.) He calls and sounds like crap, it was breaking my freaking heart to sound cheery and like I didn’t notice. I did asked if everything was ok and he said he just had a headache … end of topic and moved on. I didn’t press or pry. Inside I was crying like a baby and about to die but I held my footing and simply said we could do it later.
However, this morning before all that, I ran across the updates he had done on his site. I us to help him learn HTML but he’s gotten pretty good on his own. Kind of sad for me, he doesn’t need my help anymore so instead of chatting voice or something, he simply messages me now and then. No biggy, life goes on. But when I read his site this morning he had put some quote or something he wrote that said, friends and love ones are the enemy and must watch them or they will hurt him. I don’t think anyone could have been more hurt than me. I felt like a part of me was ripped out … AGAIN. AND then there is my stupid plan of letting him have space….
Well, tonight after he apparently decided that he wasn’t going to stop by my house since we couldn’t meet earlier (which is right on the way home to his) and not call or let me know he jumps on the messenger and says Hello. No sorry I didn’t stop by or sorry I wasn’t feeling well. I did asked him if he felt better and he said no. Then started to be all happy about this and that and finally as per the course, has to go chat with other friends now. Then just vanishes completely. Again, no sorry…. I mean come on, what does he want…. He won’t open up but then comes to chat but once some else comes along, he rushes off to chat with them … I’m sorry, that’s how I feel. I am good for the moment but not for the long haul.
Right now I don’t need that. I am planning some major changes in my life and to have someone seem so indifferent about my friendship with them…. Writing "that" on their website! I just don’t think I can do this anymore with him. I love him with all my heart and will be there regardless if he needed me. But sadly, I don’t think he does or maybe he does but won’t say it…. Right now I can’t deal with that. It hurts to much and it’s just not something I can shrug off at this point in my life.
I did leave him an offline message saying I could run by his place tomorrow and drop off his stuff but I also added in that his writing on his latest web update “hurt”. Nothing more. I am sure he will just blow it off or probably just get upset with me. That’s fine, his loss I guess. Well, it’s my loss in a way, it’s a person I care for and it hurts to always feel like I am the bad person.