{{journal_mood Apathetic}}

Ok, I am slightly addicted to this writing thing and just thought of something as I continue to work on things and then let my mind drift. First off, I hate being a Gemini. BUT, at the moment my mind has shifted from sad to happy so I’ll take it no matter if it’s only for a few minutes.

Actually it was my one friend in Utah that helped. As I thought back through our conversation I realized that even though no one is around to really be close to and have their presence I do have people who care about me. And I can whine and be sad but my friends are true and that’s a gift in and of itself.

There was something else that has been troubling me. How do you tell someone who you have been with for over 11 years that it’s time to move on? I made my commitment to be with him and I will remain committed but at some point I think both he and I need to realize, what we once had is gone and what is left is our friendship. Personally I think we both realize that but each of us just doesn’t want to deal with the facts ahead. We would be ending something that has lasted so very long and that we both would be tossed back into the dating scene *shudders*. For me, I kind of feel like I am already at that stage.

I think another reason I haven’t made it an issue and let this dwell where it is, he owns everything. The house, the cars and other stuff (besides my computers and some furniture). You live together that long and its odd how things get tied together. Honestly, I know he would let me keep the house. I know he would transfer the car to me; it was a gift from him after some bitter points about our relationship came to light some time back. We just keep it in his name to keep the insurance down.

The house and all the bills I currently pay already; he can’t afford to pay them, run his shop and maintain the other house. He has mentioned it before, him moving out and leaving me the house so he could return home. He says he has the paperwork to put part of it in my name though I have yet to see it, more so I have put it off because I am still not sure I want the responsibility of owning my own home yet. Well, not owning it with someone I don’t have romantic interests in would be probably more accurate.

I don’t know … it’s time to start fixing things for me. Coming home to a house that feels empty even though someone is there is very depressing. He and I are so very different from what we once where many years ago and I know he wants to move on to a new challenge and change in life. Heck he has a third house in his own country he just bought without even letting me know. That’s the third time he’s made a huge purchase without evening talking to me.

All this and so close to the holidays. Oh and did I mention that he is going to a friends for Thanksgiving. Which means I am going to have the house to me and my cat that day. Now if that ain’t depressing. I really don’t know how many more holidays I can go through alone and empty. Each year it seems to get worse and worse. This year will probably be the worst; my family isn’t celebrating the holidays. Well they are but privately amongst themselves. So……….. I get to be home alone come Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe I should stock up on lots of alcohol and just get plastered those days so I don’t notice. It’s a thought.

P.S. My friend in Utah did invite me down to Vegas to spend Turkey day with them but it’s not the same. They will have their families there and last time I did something like that, I felt so incredibly alone because I wanted someone to cuddle with and just be near … which then lead to me getting myself extremely sick drinking. Who knew that drinking a couple bottles of whiskey straight would make you that sick?