The Past Can Really Hurt!

{{journal_mood disappointed}}

I’m not sure what to write at the moment. I feel as if my mind is about ready to just stop working and pretty much cease to exist.

Believe it or not, this isn’t about Boy Wonder. It seems I have fucked up pretty bad with yet another friend. I haven’t written about him here yet so give me a second to think of a name. While I do that, let me tell you a bit about him.

He and I have known each other well over 20 some years. We actually met and dated for sometime before we discovered we made much better friends than lovers. He has been a stead fast guiding light in my life and has always been someone who I could count on to be there no matter what the problems in either of our lives are. Over the past many years we have drifted apart but we always try to touch bases now and then. He has a great partner that I think I have always been a bit jealous of. They have been together longer than me and Dazzle and he treats my friend so well. We’ve had our bad moments and our good just like any friendship but we have always come out the other side a bit stronger and a bit wiser.

I haven’t heard from him in a long time and well, the last time we spoke was when I was going through my nervous breakdown. I’ve tried to call but I always thought they where traveling. His partner was recently diagnosed with cancer and I had hoped they went to enjoy life and be together, it was serious and I remember him telling me that the chances of his survival where slim. It is a very trying ordeal for someone to deal with and well, I think I just didn’t feel comfortable talking about it especially with everything that was happening in my life at the time. I really didn’t think I could be the friend he needed which … as I write this … is what I think has always been my reasoning for not staying in contact.

I tried to call them over Thanksgiving to say hi and well, talk and catch up. I wanted to see how they where doing and just spend sometime with my friends. Sadly though, when I called, neither answered so I naturally assumed they where traveling or with their families.

Moments ago I got an email from him. I do believe that was the hardest item I have had to read. Apparently when he and I last talked, that was also when he told me about his partner having cancer, I said probably the worst possible thing anyone could say to someone, "People die…get over it."

Fuck! What the hell did I say in that conversation, I can see that I could have said that and I am not about to deny it but when we talked I was pretty much not myself and had so much going on with problems I can’t even remember us talking besides him telling me his partner had cancer.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am the person most people turn to so they can talk and have someone to listen. I have worked on a crisis line before and have had to help people on the verge of suicide. I have letters from co-workers and friends who I have made huge differences in their lives by simply being the one they could talk too. What the hell did I say to my oldest and dearest friend! I can’t recall any part of that conversation. Heck, during that period I honestly can’t recall about six months of my life. I wrote programs and scripts at work that are truly amazing in how they work but I don’t ever remember even typing them out, some of them I have yet to even figure out. A couple I don’t even know what they are for!

My friend and I are both emotional people and we both know how words, even the smallest said out of context can truly hurt (and how they can heal). The saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me," well, that is true most of the time but when someone is going through a crisis in their life, words are the only thing that can matter. Me saying what I did was inexcusable no matter if I was pretty much insane and had lost my mental capacities.

He had no idea what I was going through at the time and still doesn’t. I never told him, you see his partner is the person Dazzle goes through when he is doing some new deal like buying another house. Dazzle, who even lives with me, never knew what I was going through during my mental moment. He knew something was wrong but I am good at masks and when he was around (which isn’t very often) I hid it. Trust me, Dazzle and I are in two different worlds yet we live in the same house, me on the verge of loosing total control of my mind and him only thinking I was ill with a cold or something should tell you volumes about our relationship.

I never wanted to put my friend in the position that he would have to keep secrets from his partner because I didn’t want my so-called-partner to find out just how screwed up I really was. So when my friend called and needed support I thought I helped but it seems I didn’t and actually made things worse. All this time I had thought I did a good thing and now I find out I did just the opposite and really hurt him.

I could write more but right now I just don’t know how I am feeling. My best, oldest and probably dearest friend … I pretty much crushed and had no idea. Fuck I have screwed up big time and as I am trying to recover and get past all that had happened back then, this new twist … has left me stunned and seriously doubting that I really am doing anything right or that I am actually getting over anything. I am second guessing everything right now and I just don’t know what to do.

If I could do that to my oldest and closest friend what else did I mess up or fuck up during that period. There where other things he said in that email that bothers me, one of which is that he feels I am materialistic and only call to show off my latest new toy. He knows me better than that but even I have had serious doubts about the life I now lead compared to who I us to be. I never wanted to be a person like that and have always tried not to be, is that who I am in everyone’s eyes now?

I did write back and apologized but I wasn’t even sure what to say. Me speechless is rare and in this case, I am truly that … speechless. What have I become? Hopefully my email back will help to explain. I didn’t mention all that had/has happened as it didn’t seem relevant but I do need to tell him. If my apology makes sense and he still wants to talk I will make that a priority. I just feel incredibly bad right now.