{{journal_mood sad}}
{{journal_location Icky Work}}
I can’t tell if I am angry, upset, hurt or pissed-off. Maybe it’s all of them or maybe it’s one in the same. This whole week, starting around the weekend, I’ve been feeling the twist of time unraveling plans and decisions. Yes, I know very well what is happening and even more so on how to fix them but what’s so different at the moment is that I don’t really care to fix them. Well, perhaps care isn’t the correct word but my motivation is simply exhausted. For what seems an eternity I have been struggling to make things happen, now here I sit watching as pieces start to break away and difficulties are being introduced … yet again.
The saddest part about it is my desire to fix and repair, adjust and prevent, they are so far worn down that even the thought of standing up and trying to begin the process of making things better is pretty much dead. It always ends up in a huge explosion in my direction, arguments and many hurt feelings. Usually it is my hurt feelings that I just put aside and ignore for the time being until a better time is at hand to deal with them. I don’t know, it’s not like me to ignore a battle but honestly right now, I’m just too tired and worn out to keep fighting battle after battle after battle.
I keep asking myself, what would make things better and rejuvenate me so I can win this final battle and move on with another episode of my life. And in all honesty, it’s rather simple. I need a break from the routine. I need to step away and have some fun, go enjoy a bit of life and not worry about everything for a while. I’m not talking about a long break; heck, just a really nice day would do it. I’ve suggested and hinted to everyone that I desire the break; I’ve admitted it to myself.
I could just take a break by myself but what I need is not more time alone but quality time with others, some time to let the walls down and just be goofy and silly without worrying about how it will impact the future or who’s going to think what of me. Alas, perhaps that isn’t what I am supposed to be doing right now. The light at the end of the tunnel is closer then it has been, it’s around the corner and will soon be in reach.
It’s very depressing to watch everything you had worked so hard to achieve slowly crumble, yet knowing that if I simply stand up, took the beating that is waiting … as I push things back into place, all would be fine. But then there is a price to pay for everything in life. Adjusting reality, even slightly, has a cost and I stand at this crossroad exhausted, bruised, battered and barely able to hold my shield and sword debating … do I take on the next battle.
This battle is going to cost me something heavy, perhaps that is what this is all about, time to pay the Piper for my deeds done … all in an attempt to make life a better place for myself and everyone else. I know what the price is, it will cost me what I had hopped I wouldn’t have to give up but then I knew the time would come. Instead of telling others what direction they need to take down the road of life, it’s my turn to choose.
Three choices before me: One will hurt the most as I stand my ground, put my foot down and speak the harshest of truths, given enough time it will help those around me but leave me alone and back at the beginning. The other road is simply the status quo and though it may prove to be helpful to those around me, it just keeps everything I am dealing with buried and hidden, a constant pain aching inside with resentment growing day-by-day. Or the final road where I pick up my sword and shield and fight my way through, holding on to what I want … dragging it along even when it doesn’t want to come, adding it to my fight and troubles and eventually reaching the light ahead but at war constantly as I continue through the struggle that I am facing right now, at least until I reach that light.
Sorrow, boring or exhausted … which do I want? Actually the hardest road is of course the right decision but do I even care anymore to fight that fight? How about I make a new road and go right through all the rest, burning bridges and leaving no survivors except myself. I’ve done it before and it cost me pretty much everything I had yet after about 5 years I can have it rebuilt and as I sit and chuckle to myself, knowing that I will never be able to return to what I loved and worked so hard to get. But it’s the easiest of all three roads, burn right through everything, fuck it all and leave everything to die on the side as I move on to something new.
Decisions…. I just want what I worked so hard to get. A day to relax and recover shouldn’t be so hard to ask for but perhaps it is and I’m asking too much of everything and everyone around me. This weekend is coming up and I already know how depressed I am going to be, maybe that’s the time to decide. I just know that the pain and hurt is building, burning through everything and leaving nothing alive sounds incredibly appealing right now.
"Patients is a virtue" … the motto I have lived by my whole life. Perhaps it’s time to toss that motto out the door and embrace what some would call the "dark side" which is always beckoning deep down in side of me. In the end, like anyone who takes this path I will be left alone and with nothing but regrets as I lay down on my judgment bed but the darkness provides it’s own twisted warmth and happiness in the mean time … that’s the seduction so many fall prey too and perhaps it’s time I give in myself.