{{journal_mood okay}}
{{journal_location In front of another computer}}
I thought about what I wrote yesterday, how it sounded and how I felt. I gave some thought on my actions and what "I" want to do about it. And, well, nada. I’m not depressed but I am down and I am sad. I just had hoped by now that things would have started to get better and life would be moving in a more positive direction.
I told Sex Hound a while back that on July 15th I was going to make some harsh decisions on my future. In a sense I did, I decided I would keep fighting the good fight and make things that aren’t so good in my life better. But it’s now almost a month later and here I sit. Kind of right in the same place I was six months ago, struggling to get on top and ahead of the curve, reaching for the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t say it hasn’t been a total loss because it hasn’t.
Unlike before, I couldn’t see the light and it was difficult to wander around in the darkness hoping that the decisions I made where correct ones. Well, they where correct and I can see the light off in the distance but it’s still a ways off, I can see that there are lots of bumps to get through as I work myself to that end goal. But as I timidly admitted to Hermes last night, "I’m tired" which I think really sums up the experience.
Yesterday was hell and today is going in the same direction. Not only was I stuck in traffic for over an hour last night which if you know me isn’t necessarily a bad thing since I love to drive and sitting in traffic typically is rather amusing and relaxing. Yet yesterday, I found myself getting aggravated, more upset and came close to wrecking my car not once but twice as I became more and more aggressive on the road and started cutting people off. That’s not me. That was me when I was 16 and dealing with the weight of what seemed the world and trying to understand who I was.
As I titled one of my posts some time ago, "There is no off button on this ride," I have to remember that and heed my own advice. Right now things aren’t going as planned and far too much stress is looming down on me. I know I need a break and some time to step away from the stress but I just don’t know how yet. I want so much to get away but as I mentioned earlier, doing that alone isn’t going to work because all I will do is continue stressing and worrying. I need a good, healthy distraction and my typical resources have always been my friends. Well, most of my friends are busy, moved away or live a long distance away. Those who are around me, well … are just busy with their own things and not able to take that break I am craving.
Perhaps it’s time to expand my horizon on friendships but in all honesty, I’m much older and I enjoy those who are already around me. I don’t need to add more in to my life, I need to find the quality time with those I already care about. But that isn’t something I get to decide, it’s something they each get to choose. Sure Hermes and Bare Foot wouldn’t hesitate to spend some time together but they are so very far away and not even close to one another geographically so even a trip to see each of them wouldn’t be feasible. Boy Wonder … who knows, he seems to have more time for others in his life than me. He and I think come from different worlds; quality time for him is spent with others around yet to me, that hardly even begins to count in my book. Sex Hound … I do need to visit his new place and see how that is going but he’s got a lot going on with his new job and stuff that I doubt me being miserable around him would help either of us.
I don’t know. Time will tell I guess. I’m not going to give up, I just don’t know how to make things better right now and I guess its back to patients and faith in those around me that things will get better.