{{journal_mood scared}}

Not sure how I am feeling today. I am tired because I just am not sleeping well which probably contributes to all my stress. I did have an interesting evening last night; my one friend who I was worried about finally called and was in a good mood. He has just been lost in his game he plays online and forgot to turn on the messenger. I should know better by now but alas, I am not us to it as I typically talk to my closest friends daily.

I then wanted to send him this cool thing I wrote as encouragement and such, something none sappy or depressing, something to show I cared about what he has been going through. I love to write and wanted to write something fun and uplifting instead of dreary and full of me…me…me. But usually as I write I toss in many ideas and then go back through and re-edit it down. Well, I told him I would send it since I wouldn’t be seeing him tonight and gleefully emailed it out, all excited for him to read it. About an hour later, I went to clean my email out (which I do when I am bored) and opened the one I sent him. I went to read the writing, proud of myself but as I opened it up, IT WAS MY DRAFT! Fear, panic and let’s just say a strong sense of getting sick hit me.

I was in sheer shock and left him messages every where not to read it … hell; I even called his cell which I rarely do. Thankfully he logged in to messenger and said he hadn’t read it yet which he promised was true. I don’t mind if he read it, it was just that it was filled with my thoughts and emotions and some stuff I haven’t wanted to talk to him about such as what happened some time ago when our friendship fell apart.

Either he had actually read it and took it well or he missed me or something … he jumped into one of the games I played and we hung out for a while. It was fun kind of, I miss playing with him and hanging out very much and wanted to chat voice but his other friends where taking up his time. So we played for a while but then he wanted to go to the server they play on to grind. I can’t do that yet, I have a lot of hurt feelings over things that happened to end our friendship last year and the people he plays with, bring out a side of me that I can’t control. I was/am hurt and I feel crushed even though he did talk to me briefly about it and I told him I couldn’t do that, it wouldn’t be good for him nor me. He said we’d talk later which I don’t know what that means, he rarely indulges me in my emotions anymore so I don’t know if he understood what I was saying or just telling me we’d talk some other time like we always do.

I just don’t know what to do with him. I care so much for him and really like having him around because he is different, intelligent and funny but he has so many others around that want his time and I feel like a sad puppy following along hoping to get his ear scratched. I can’t compete with his friends; it is like night and day when it comes to them. I don’t enjoy Player vs. Player, I don’t smack talk and I don’t have pent up aggression I need to release. I simply play to be with my friends and have fun chatting.

I really want so much to be selfish and throw away his cell phone, the computers and everything so I can have a day of us just playing around but then that is selfish and something I can’t do. I wish I didn’t feel like this about him but that is how I and my other friends are. We focus on each other when together; outsiders or those trying to take time tend to have to wait.

You know, as I think about that, I remember something. My friend and I us to play together in another game, we spent time with many people and had a blast. It wasn’t until one person came along and started to push their way in to the circle that things went bad. They used my friend’s emotions against him and thus driving the two of us apart.

I recall all his friends very well, all of them I really enjoyed spending time with and would even do things with them when he wasn’t around. That is unusual for me, a couple of them I grew fond of and actually miss talking to. One of them, I even lost my temper with during the final days of my friendship with my one friend; I have never forgiven myself for doing that to this person. He was a nice person and I really did like him. Heck the other one friend of his, I remember getting all teary eyed with when I though my one friend was mad at me. He was so cool; he listened, talked and gave me some great advice. I was never so happy talking to someone I didn’t know and being able to release knowing full well, he was actually concerned.

Gees … it’s so very simple. I am not afraid to hang with my friend and the others from our previous game; it’s just that one person who used my friend and continues to use him that upsets me.

I don’t like seeing my friend being used but he counts her as a best friend. She twisted and distorted our friendship around because I didn’t like her and didn’t want her in the inner circle; she in turn pushed me away from him using the trauma he was facing at the time as the catalyst. It wasn’t me all along, I was trying to protect my friend but couldn’t because I won’t come between two best friends. If she ever realized how much time I now spend with him now and that our friendship has gotten better and stronger, I dread how she would use him. I always have the strong belief that what comes around goes around but how can you wish bad on someone your own best friend calls his best friend.

This is what I was dealing with when our friendship fell apart, it was her and how I wanted to tell him so badly she was hurting him not me. But how do you tell a straight guy that his female best friend whom he has known longer is using him for her own self worth issues without it sounding like you are doing that to him. I always thought she would vanish again and he would see what he had missed but I think now that he is facing so many different things in his life she has more to feed on, he looks up to her … I am so very screwed.

That was the problem so long ago, that was the piece that didn’t make sense. He went from friend to enemy overnight and did things I never thought someone that close to me could do. She was always sitting there and what’s worse is I remember others telling me this. So many we played with kept saying she’s over here talking to him about this. It wasn’t me all this time, I failed to protect my friend but I wasn’t the one who used him. Now she has him and it’s no wonder our friendship is growing again. I don’t interact with her anymore she doesn’t have that unjustified feeling of threat she thinks I am. She doesn’t know what he and I talk about and currently doesn’t know how he feels about me. No wonder she wanted him to come to their server last night and he acted the way he did. He was trying to be there for me but got pulled away by her … again … by the constant use of him and his feelings.

What am I going to do? I can’t fight her, not with my friend holding her to the esteem he does; I don’t want to fight her. But I don’t want to loose my friend because she has some complex she is going through. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was the one who helped push my friend apart from the other person he loves so very much. It would make total sense. Once she gets what she wants from someone she abandons them and moves on. I saw that happen when I knew her. It’s only a matter of time that she does this with my friend and hurts him. I don’t really know what to do, I could ruin my friendship with my friend if I told him all this.

I now feel scared and threatened. She knows I am there because of last night and she knows I don’t like her. I trust my friend but I don’t trust her. She manipulated him before and twisted things around until she got what she wanted, could she do that again? Am I going to loose my friend yet again because of this one person…. OMG, how foolish I was back then, I really miss those people who my friend introduced me too. I thought I was the one being jealous and stupid, I wasn’t, I was happy and having fun until she found out I didn’t want her around because she was a user and abuser. We where having so much fun until she came hoping back from where ever she was. I have the chat logs to show it…. Things slowly changed and I remember the day it went bad, the day she demanded to be a bigger part in what my friend and I created. It was from that day forward that my friend and I started the end of our friendship.

I really think she is the reason that he is now loosing the other person he loved so much, it makes so much more sense. It’s the same thing that happened to me, night and day. His life in the game he played with “her” was being threatened. She pushed him and twisted his emotions around until she got what she wanted. She used his grief that he was dealing with against him and in turn made a rift between him and the person he cared so much for. Unlike me, that person had enough and wanted to move on, that person was stronger than me and also has a strong sense of growth. I can see how that person would have felt like me and decided enough was enough, time to move on, something I wanted to do but wasn’t strong enough to do.

I am his friend; I don’t know what to do. I know what I should do but I will loose him for sure if I told him all this. I don’t think I can be clever enough to show him what he isn’t seeing. There is so much pain from what happened to us and I am not sure I am strong enough to say the right thing and in the right way that would allow him to see. He has probably lost the person he loves more than anything over this person for the same reasons he and I fell apart.


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