It’s been a very long time since I have felt the way I do. In a way it’s fascinating, I am one of those people who loves to understand and emotions are a very interesting topic … at least to me.
My one friend whom I care so much for and so much want to go do something with has his own demons to fight. He’ll call or something when he needs me, pushing him and pressuring him will just hurt us both. Well, hurt him more so than me. Pressure and stress are nothing new to me, being patient and trying to wait is close to a nightmare for me. In business, I can wait years for things to happen but in my personal life, I need it NOW! I think that is how I can cope with the duplicity of my personality. Business and work are treated much differently than my personal life. And in that, one does not interact with the other which is kind of sad sometimes. Perhaps that is why I never attend company parties or functions….
Sitting here thinking about my long term relationship and that I want to end it and move on does hurt. But it’s so strange to me right now. We are just so very different people and neither of us really know what is happening in the others life. Tonight, he is going to a friend’s to help move and then told me if he gets tired he’ll probably just stay the night. Honestly I am glad he is but then I realize that the house will be so quite and no one will be here. I just don’t know how that makes me feel anymore. I us to love those days and looked forward to them, now I feel sad and extremely alone.
I did message a couple friends last night that I haven’t talked to in a very long time. One was nice to hear from as was the other but the last one was so energetic it was hard to chat as I was going the complete other direction. He is an old friend from back in the days of high school and though we have had our hardships, we are trying to make amends with each other and becoming friends again. But even so, I don’t feel like chatting about my problems with him. I guess I just wanted to say hi and see how I would do at it.
My other friend, she is truly a good friend but she has been away having yet another kid. I want to talk to her so bad and just blurt out things but I know she is dealing with the soon to be new kid and she admits, doesn’t have that much time between trying to be comfortable and trying to be social. Again, I don’t want to burden her with my problems. I really wish I knew why that is but I call it respect. In reality it’s just that I don’t want to hear answers that I know are true and then there is a part that tells me I am just tired of hearing myself whine….
So I have concluded that I am just going to have to deal with my one friend and let my feelings be as they are. He will either be there or he won’t. I can’t push him anymore than I have and part of me knows that I am pushing him out of my annoying lack of patients and the other is over the fact that I want to get out on my own and leave my partner. I am simply scared to do it alone and would like someone there. Scared really isn’t the word, it’s more like tired of doing things alone and really would like to have someone beside me instead of how I have always done it. I can be tired right? I can want change in myself?
I just wish this all didn’t way so heavily on my heart. It really does feel like a piece of me is dying. I can’t tell if I feel sick or I want to cry. Maybe I need to do both. But as I said earlier patients isn’t my strong point in my personal life. I am so very … very tired of feeling this way and no matter what I do I can’t stop feeling this way. The walls I create seem to crumble in minutes, usually they provide some barrier to help protect me and let me have the patients I so desperately need. I guess I could try to treat this like business but that is a very cold and sterile place to be, that is really not who I am.
Ahh…such is life. I just wish my one friend would want to go out to dinner today and see a movie, I really want out of the house and to do something. I just really don’t feel like doing it alone, not right now, I’ve been alone to long and need people around right now.