I did some soul searching today. I finally let all the various sides of myself talk and banter back and forth. Basically, calling myself on my actions and trying to understand what I am feeling. I can’t stay I feel better but I do feel somewhat calmer. I think I understand a bit more about myself which only leads to more confusion but for the time being I have a couple answers to things that have been weighing me down.
One thing I did discover is that I really do want to move on. I want to take a step out into the world, a world I feel I have been missing. I just don’t want to do it alone; it seems I am always doing it alone. I moved to this city alone, I literally decided one day I wanted a change and picked up and moved.
I’ve always been the one in front even when it seems as if I am trailing behind. It’s rather sad as I look around my life. I have toys and objects that most would crave but as I tell everyone, material things don’t bring happiness in the end. It seems I didn’t listen to myself when I thought I was. I would gladly give up all my toys, my car, my computer … pretty much anything to have what I so carelessly left behind and forgot about all these years.
Right now I am extremely tired, I woke up at 4am this morning having a panic attack and though I finally did fall back asleep an hour or so later, only getting a restless hour more of sleep, I think I have pretty much exhausted myself both emotionally and physically.
I made one move to better myself today, I decided to get online and try out the chat rooms. More so just to hear people talking and what not, I didn’t say anything while I was there but I browsed around the pictures of the people. I was, and am, too tired to think of trying to talk to strangers but I realized something though. It’s been a very long time since I have went seeking others either as friends or as anything else and it was a very scary and almost sickening feeling.
The house is empty save me and the cat. My partner is who knows where and though one friend called I was just not in the mood to chat. I had hoped that my other friend would show up and maybe he would want to do something but alas it was not meant to be. I am not angry nor can I say it was bad. I am worried about my friend, it’s not like him to have vanished but hopefully he is having fun and that’s really what matters.
Let’s hope for a sound sleep tonight and if I dream, I dream something hopeful. Lately my dreams have been far from hopefully, they mimic my fears here and bring me out of slumber hurting more than I did. I think I create walls as I sleep to block my dreams and that’s why I don’t sleep well anymore … or maybe it’s just that I sleep alone and wish someone was there.