I feel so sick right now. I don’t know if I want to throw up or go cry. A huge part of me is hurting and angry. I know what I wrote last night and even after sleeping on it, all I am is angrier and more hurt. I don’t want to do this crap with anyone, I hate head-games with a passion and though I love my friends, I can’t just stand here and do nothing. Frankly I never stand by and do nothing; I am very pro-active and get involved either in listening or trying to take their mind off stuff.
Oh and then I find out that I have to give a big presentation in a couple hours to the Board of Directors on a couple projects I finally finished after a year and a half of work. No one else will step in and do it for me, even when I begged. I fucking feel like tossing my cookies and well, curling up and dying right now. But instead I am going to have to go into a room full of people, stand there and sing the joy of why these new projects are going to help the company, why the Board needs to be involved and what they do. *insert a silent crying scream here*
I am so ready to move on with my life. And I know moving on is going to be one of those things where I am going to have to burn some bridges to try and get myself back in order. I don’t blame anyone here, it really is my fault. I should have paid more attention to what was going on and not let my feelings for people cloud my judgment. They say you should watch out for number one first, I do that but I also watch out for my friends too because in my life, they are number one to me. Years ago it seemed like that was a good thing but now days it’s all about yourself and no one else.
Admitting that I was wrong or made a mistake is easy for me. I make mistakes a lot and sometimes it was just because I was being stupid. But what I really hate to admit is that I am a bad person when I know I am not. Right now I feel like scum on the road that should be smashed and tossed away because I failed to be there for my friends. So in an essence I am what I feel, scum and worthless. Melo-dramatic? Right now it’s all I got, I don’t have the energy to try for better, I am not sure it’s even worth it.