{{journal_mood uncomfortable}}

{{journal_location Watching the blue skies of Seattle outside my window.}}

I still have the update entry coming but what’s cool is that I started it the other night, wrote on and off but still have some thoughts to add. With this program … it’s just sweet, I wanted to write about something else so my original post is sitting aside until I get back to it. Anyway, on with my current ramble.

It’s a lazy Saturday right now and I could be online gaming but instead I thought I would take a nap. Napping for me during the day is usually a sign that I am exhausted which in this case I was. However, when I wake up I feel awful. It’s like I have had a cold and pretty much takes me a couple hours to re-adjust. It’s not pretty to say the least and something I do not look forward to but my body decided it wanted the break and so be it, another odd part of who I am that I live with. I took my nap and the dreaded waking up part is pretty much gone but while I was sleeping I was plagued with yet another thing that I truly hate about myself, dreaming.

Dreaming for me is not typically a pleasant experience. I have read tons of stuff on what dreaming is (or theorized as) but for me … my dreams are not like anyone else’s. When I dream it’s in perfect clarity, perfect quality…. There are no jumps or strange color patterns, rarely do I see monsters or fanciful creatures. My dreams are usually around real day things, places, people and events. It’s really like playing real life but in a game (The Sims Online magnified one-hundred percent AND yes, I’ve been having these types of dreams as far back as I can remember, long before I started online gaming).

When I dream, everything around me is just as if I was there. I can walk into a room and I can walk right back out, back into the room I just left. They area my dream is in never changes. Smells, colors, voices and so much more are crystal clear. Add to that, I know I am dreaming and can even dictate how the dream is to go as long as I work with what is in the dream. If I want to go this way I tell myself to go that way, if I want to pick up that book I tell myself to pick it up, if I want to talk to someone I instruct myself to start talking and even what we are going to talk about. And yes, most dreams will get to a point where I have to tell myself enough already and wake up. And like turning on a light bulb I wake up, usually startled and dazed, most times trying to realize I was just dreaming and it wasn’t really happening.

My dreams are probably filled more with meaning and issues I need to deal with. They are about things either hidden and subconsciously bugging me, something I most likely have avoided. Today’s dream centered around a friend (who shall remain nameless), it was about what we do all the time but in this dream it twisted around one of my biggest pet peeves and probably fears. Something I know, had it happened in the waking world … well … it wouldn’t happen that way. Actually, it wouldn’t happen now but it could have happened a year ago. None the less I woke from this dream pissed as hell and ready to kill my friend. How dare he treat me like that, I was upset and ready to tell my friend where he could put it … but then IT WAS JUST A DREAM!

One of the worst dreams I’ve had, one that had some odd twists that I rarely get to interact with and one that had plagued me for years is still a not-so-fond memory. This specific dream centered around my older brother’s house. I us to have this dream off and on for some time but finally it stopped. This one was the first dream where I got to see a glimpse of what I think my mind was trying to convey.

My brother lives in a very rural area with not many houses around (well, at the time when the dream decided to have it take place). He doesn’t have a large house but a good sized piece of property. In this dream I’m being chased by some serial killer, he’s at the property and I am trying to get away. I am walking slowly and cautiously through the house and outside, trying to avoid him. I usually grab a knife from the kitchen (or something … depending on what I am going to try in this version of the same dream) to protect me in case I run into him. But my end goal is to escape and get to safety.

In this dream, which is unique compared to the rest, is that around the property is a unseen barrier that I can’t cross. It’s kind of like a force field yet outside the barrier are police watching and laughing. It’s very strange since all my other dreams are all based on reality, besides the barrier, everything is as if I was at my brother’s house. The only way I finally made this dream stop coming was to finally escape. Usually I would get so fed up and tired of running around in a circle that I would wake myself, that or I would run right in to this killer and immediately wake myself (not much you can do with a butter knife). But one night I said screw this and found a hole in the barrier and squeezed out which immediately ended the dream and I woke up. Since then I have never had the dream again.

It’s just weird, I had that dream probably 30-40 times and it never changed, it was always the same with only minor differences and me trying different tactics. Until I finally passed through the barrier it would come and go. Once I finally escaped it ended and has never came back. I’ve tried to kill the psycho in it by a variety of means and none of those stopped it. I’ve tried to get help from others and that didn’t do anything but when I finally found a way past the barrier the dream ended and has never returned.

But back to the point, the dreams are annoying. They are so very real and in a way predictable. I hear about people who dream about cool things or how their dreams jump around but in mine they are constant and steady. Even stranger, I know I am dreaming and I know I can wake up at any time. Sometimes if they are difficult or painful I will wake myself yet other times I will stick it out to see if I can solve the puzzle. The truly hardest part though is when it deals with people in my life and how my mind twists things I worry about and magnifies them. This then makes the problem very real and throws me in face first. Like the escaping dream above, it usually always has some trigger that I need to deal with or find. I think my escape dream was about the fact that some battles can’t be won and you have to escape (in essence walk away). The dream today was probably about a fear I have with this friend, even though the time when I might have felt that way is gone … it still haunts my memories hence the dream making me deal with it and bring it to the forefront. And yet some dreams are probably there to help me understand what is happening and how I can help to make things better for myself and those around me.

I just wish that they would take on some other theme then real life. Perhaps a couple years ago I was at wits end and had been that way when I was 18 but those times are past and I enjoy life even with it’s complexities and junk. Sleep should be reserved to relaxing and enjoying but with me, a dream always seems to be something that has a puzzle attached that needs solved. So the dream today will probably re-emerge again until I figure out what it means and deal with it. It also seems that the only way to deal with it is in the dream. Perhaps that’s my mind saying that even though I can deal with it in the real world deep down, subconsciously, I have yet to deal with it and I’m going to … like it or not.