Been A Long Time…

{{journal_mood energetic}}

{{journal_location Office Hell}}

Strange things happen in your mind when you don’t do something that is very common to you for a very long time. Odd statement? Perhaps it is but it sums up my feelings Saturday evening.

I’ve been busy trying to upgrade my server at home, prepare for some projects I am working on, fighting these sometimes helpful things we call … computers and dealing with the latest drama that it seems only my life can provide. I use NetFlix to get all my movies, which I have had long before they where even NetFlix. What I truly love is that I have this list of things to watch (I think I have 60 some movies in queue) and when I am not paying attention, a movie I want to see but had forgotten about arrives unexpectedly.

This weekend was one of those; I had forgotten to re-order my list after I’d sent back my latest movies. I usually move shows around depending on my mood or what I have a craving to watch, so come the weekend I have something planned to take my mind of things. Well, this time I had forgotten but since I want to watch all the movies in my queue it wasn’t a big deal. However, I have been pushing some of the gay flicks down the list. Adding them to the queue as others mention them or running across them while browsing the site. I just haven’t felt like seeing some gay movie in a very long time so they just keep getting shoved further and further lower on the list with the promise to myself to watch them some day.

With so much going on in my life the past couple of years, watching some lovey dovey gay flick just felt to depressing to me. I can live through the breeder junk with no problem, you see it daily . it is like watching two animals go at each other. Sad analogy but hey, that’s how I see it and I’m being honest [so there!]. Straight movies with their big fancy love scenes do nothing for me. I usually gloss them over, unrelated to my life as they are. But watching a gay movie tends to bring the loneness I keep bottled away right to the top. So, as to not be reminded of this, I don’t watch the gay love stories. At least not right now.

So I had forgotten to re-order my queue on NetFlix. And low and behold was a gay love story waiting to be watched. I had already watched the other movie I’d rented so all I had left was this one. Oh well, I was in a fairly good mood, I’d watch. It started off like most gay love stories, bad lighting and stiff portrayals of characters. This was no Hollywood production and no big ticket budget. Why is that? I mean, come on, some of these movies are incredible in the stories they tell yet they get no money to make a quality show. Pfft … but I digress, another topic for another day.

Anyway, so here I am watching this movie. It was titled "The Trip" made in 2002 but starts off in 1973. Yet another topic for another occasion; the great time period between 1970-1995 of which I’ve discovered I really hate movies done or showcasing events from. Back to the "current" journal entry: So immediately I was put off and figured this wouldn’t be a problem, I’d just continue working on what I was doing and listen to it in the background. Besides that, the two lead characters and supporting actors held no attraction so … sleeper … here we come!

About a quarter of the way through the movie I was fixed on the screen watching the drama unfold. Not far after that the love scenes started and my first reaction was O … M … F … G …, where have I been living … it was the most refreshing thing I’d seen in a very long time! Two guys kissing on screen and being all romantic to each other. I honestly stared at the screen in shock and amazement. I’d been a gay activist when I was 17, been to more lesbian and gay events than anyone. I’d met so many gay, lesbian, transgender celebrities over the years, been to commitment ceremonies galore, bars (both nice and some that would scare any big straight guy screaming back to his mommy). Yet, here I sat in total shock of two guys kissing.

Mid-way through the movie the shock had worn off and I found my heart yearning to have someone next me again. The loneliness I keep hidden away leapt forward and I could feel the surge of my heart begging to have someone next to it; every part of me was begging to be free. The pain of being alone and without anyone to truly be in love with surged through my body and there I sat … watching a gay love story. My body, mind and heart feeling torn apart, an aching through me like a hot knife slowly running across my skin being pushed deeper and deeper inside all massed around me.

The movie turned out to be a very good movie and though the ending had me in tears not from my own feelings but in how incredibly touching it ended … for the first time in years … I felt alive. Perhaps very sad and heart broken but for all these years I have let myself hide away from my own feelings . I felt them race forward again. That desire to be loved and to love someone. The desire to have someone to think about all day, the incredible desire to fall asleep next to the person you love, all these feelings of loneliness raced through my mind yet here I sat … energized and excited!

Talk about an odd feeling. Depressed and on the verge of tears on this hand but on the other, ready to take on the world and proud of who I am. I was past the shocked state that I had felt earlier, the state of me who had forgotten what it was like to be me, it had all vanished. It has been so long since I’d let that part of me escape that in releasing it, finally, I ended up receiving a burst of energy I hadn’t expected. Sure there is a part of me that feels alone, more than before, but there is another part of me knowing that I have yet more to give, that the passionate person I am is not dead but very much alive.

I’m sure there is a lesson to be learned from all this but right now, I am moving forward. The movies I had rented earlier are on their way back, I went and re-ordered my queue but this time I purposely put another gay love story back on the top for later this week. I’m not going to miss out on NOR am I going to forget about this other side of me again. It was so refreshing not to see the breeders making out, instead I got to watch two people in love and best yet, feel the passion that yearns deep in my soul.