Sitting and staring out the window, wondering what my life has come too. The possibilities abound yet they seem as if they are too far to reach. A glimpse of hope flutters by only to be snatched away with a simple movement of the wind.
All my life I have done the right thing, been the right person, and altered what I could to make the world for myself and those I love a true possibility.
I once was with someone that I cared a great deal about. We where in a place we shouldn’t have been but he wanted to go even though I knew it wasn’t a good idea, we still went. I know someone watches over me. I just don’t know who.
In this place, a seedy part of Portland, a man stepped out in front of us. It was late, very late, and the streets were dark with not a soul on them.
I really don’t remember where we where going, all I remember were the words that came from this dark figures mouth and the quick movements of his hands that produced an object directed at us. He took one look at me and my friend and spat the words, "faggots, give me your money!" In his hand was the one thing everyone fears to see and for me, it was a flash of my end. Without hesitation nor even thought I stepped in front of the man and in between the person I cared for. It was like slow motion or a movie being played at half speed, to this day I can see the images that raced through my mind.
It is true what they say, when you are about to die you relive your life in an instant. What I saw flash through my head where my family, my friends and all the hundreds of people that have been a part of my life. All the voices and emotions from each raced by, some sad, some happy. Some of the images that flashed by where ones I hadn’t even realized I remembered and some I wished I did not remember.
In that split second my world felt complete and whole, all the people I loved standing beside me and all the things I had ever wanted … to feel loved and needed. I knew I had made a difference for so many. My legacy and my life would live on in the eyes of my friends and family. I didn’t once worry about saying goodbye; I didn’t even contemplate how any of those I loved would go on. I saw what I had given and new that I had done what I always wanted too. I knew I had given the ultimate gift and I had made difference. I had been the friend that everyone longs for and I had done it not out of selfish reasons but out of love and respect.
I heard a click and without hesitation or even the thought of pain, I balled my fist and swung at the stranger. I have never felt so much rage and hatred in my entire life and never coming out of me but at that moment, it was pure energy. If my existence was to be ended by someone I didn’t know and they thought they would hurt someone I loved especially in my presence then they would be mistaken. My fist hit the man’s face, the slow movie unfolding in my own eyes continued even the sounds around took on the eerie slow pace. I heard the bone in the mans face break and then the sound of his body hitting the wall with a thud. I had struck him so hard he was thrown back not inches but feet.
The gun he held and had fired on me fell to the ground. The slow moving images continued as I watched the gun leave his hand, somewhat twirling up and then coming to the ground with a clatter. Before I could think twice my friend whom I was not about to have hurt grabbed me by the coat and pulled me his direction. The odd movie that was playing in my head ended and the world sped up. My friend and I ran….
I don’t know how far we ran nor do I remember how we got inside the building that we now stood in. It was then that I realized that the man had fired the gun at me; I was petrified to look down and see the blood on my clothing which I knew would be followed by panic as I realized I had been shot.
My friend had collapsed beside me and I slowly looked down … I saw nothing of a gun shot, no blood, just my shirt as it was when I had picked it out that morning. The gun never went off, the click was just that. The hammer of the gun hitting yet the bullet never left the barrel.
Someone does watch over me and for that I am thankful. I would do anything for those I care about even if that means my life is forfeit (and it seems without hesitation). As I look back at that dreaded evening, I never even once thought of my own safety and as if by instinct I went to protect the person I was with.
I say my love is unconditional but even I didn’t realize how unconditional it was until that day. For me, those in my life ARE my life. Without my friends I am but a shell waiting to be filled. I wonder sometimes if that is so wrong. I should remember myself and do what I need to protect myself, make myself happy. But at the same time, .myself’ is my friends. It’s been that way for over 37 years.
I didn’t make a mistake; I’m doing what I was meant to do. I am not sad and lonely because I am not loved; I am sad and lonely because a part of me is missing.
So I sit here watching the world go by, outside there somewhere is that part. I simply need to find it. Life is not short nor is it easy. The obstacles that present themselves are but steps in life. Choosing not to climb them because they are either to steep, to narrow or to dangerous does not mean they weren’t meant to climb, it simply means you have to watch your footing and maybe find another way around.
I hope that the person who watches over me looks down and realizes I am trying to climb but right now, like so many others in life, I’ve found a portion that is becoming difficult to pass. I will not give up, nor will I fail but right now, I am tired. Right now I need some help and a gentle push in the right direction would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. To my friends who do read this, there are things in my life I have never mentioned simply because they are either difficult for me to tell or they have not revealed their meaning. This was an event that until today I never understood fully and brings back memories that I am only able to grasp as other parts of my life unfold around me. My sincerest apologies for not speaking of it until now. And yes there are more, why do you think I am writing a book. 🙂