A Lost Love…

{{journal_mood nostalgic}}

I was talking to Hermes today and catching him up on stuff. As we were chatting, he got me thinking about someone from my past. I was telling him about my companies Holiday Party and how I am not going even though everyone keeps asking, after four years of not attending they still keep asking me to come which makes me feel a tad-bit guilty.

Hermes kept saying I should go and bring so and so, I finally admitted that when I finally go I want to bring someone that I would love to show off, spend the evening with (in a romantic way) and feel incredibly proud of. Sure I could bring a friend but I us to attend events and functions all the time by bringing a friend. Honestly, I kind of want to do something different. I really would like to go to events with someone I have romantic feelings about, so very many events I went to years ago I went with just a friend. I always felt a bit odd (though they where loads of fun) watching the other couples … I want to do that. Attending things like this are not my thing unless I have a purpose besides just going to-do something. When I went before it was for my job and part of my responsibilities, now it would be for me; I need it to have more meaning then just something to-do.

So, I decided to take a look through the mental rolodex in my mind and see just who I would like to bring. Maybe there was someone I could hook-up with or just possibly there was a person out there I never really noticed. It was funny how as I raced through the people in my life, a person that I really did care for and tend to always find myself thinking about jumped to mind.

When I start to recall this person, I am always remembering the great times we had and the love I had for him. It’s a weird feeling to have after all these years and what’s even more fascinating is though I always remember those in my life, both past and present, this one person is different. Even as I type this, I remember things about him that I don’t remember about many of the others. You know the simple things like how they smiled, their touch, they way the laughed, what interested them and what got them bubbling with excitement.

I can remember him so very well compared to the others that have run across my path. As I sit here bringing up memories; I feel relaxed and find myself longing to see him once again. To hear his voice, feel his presence, to talk and share about our lives and feel so comfortable around him. The comfort I felt around him was incredible, sitting with him while he read a book was so relaxing and soothing, I can feel it now and how it would calm me when he was around.

Out of all the romances in my life, what’s peculiar about my memories of him is that I don’t remember any bad times; it’s as if we didn’t have any or maybe they didn’t matter hence they were never recorded to memory. I do remember all the good times, hundreds of them. I remember meeting for the first time, getting to know each other, sitting and watching him study for school. I remember looking forward to seeing him at the end of the day and well, the … ummm … fun stuff. Trust me, I have never been shy to admit he was the only one that could do things to me that no one, to this day, can get … let’s just say … the reaction he would get out of me.

He tried so hard to keep me in his life; he went out of his way to make me happy. When we broke up, I wasn’t able to face him and moved out while he wasn’t there.

Wow, I don’t think I have stopped to let myself realize how much he did try until now.

I was young and had concluded that I was doing the right thing but you know, as I sit here and relive the memories; images I have never let myself really look over to closely, I can’t believe I did what I did. I know why I left and honestly, it was pretty petty of me.

He was a student at the time, working and going to school. We lived in this studio apartment right next to downtown Seattle. It was a crappy apartment but it was cheap. I moved to Seattle to be with him. It was great at first; it wasn’t him who drove me away, far from it. It was that tiny apartment and the desire to be out in this great city. Selfish reasons drove me away and … it’s really heartrending as I think back; I see him now, his image still fresh in my eyes … I couldn’t have loved someone more.

I remember when we first met. I had just arrived in Seattle and went to his place. He came down and greeted me on the steps. It was magical actually; we had talked for a long time but had never met. When I saw him, it was one of those rare moments where I saw myself echoed back with so much affection … I really remember the sparks everyone talks about. He was so attractive yet all I saw was the person I had been talking too. I barely noticed .how’ he looked; the feeling that I was standing before this person whom I was totally swept away with far out weighed the idea or even desires of how he looked. I just ached to be with him and I remember my heart going so fast … not out of fear but out of the desire to finally be with him.

One of our first nights together, he and I went walking down to the pier in front of Seattle. We walked hand-in-hand and ended up in this one place where you are looking out over Puget Sound. We were there for sometime; it was a summer evening and had gotten very late, the night glowed off the water with the city lights around creating this world that only he and I existed in. We spent a long … a very long time … talking, being romantic and enjoying each others presence in this place. Even today I drive by it, never stopping yet I remember how enchanting it felt that night; that spot has and always will be special to me.

Seattle also holds yet another location that has a special meaning to me, there was this one time where he borrowed his friend’s car and he took me to Discovery Park. It was my first time to this park, we walked around for hours. We sat and watched people flying their kites and again, just spent the day as one. To be honest, I haven’t been able to go back even though I go by it occasional. I’ve always wondered why I don’t stop and go in but I tend to just keep going. I think I took my Mom there once but I felt strange and decided not to stay. I never really thought too much about it because my Mom didn’t feel like walking around so we just moved on. It was because he and I went there and in my mind, I never realized how much the memories of that day with him mean to me; I still feel him when I am there and I think I subconsciously never wanted to alter that memory.

Then there was his family…. I met several of his family members including his Mom. She was the sweetest and nicest women I had ever met. One Christmas, I think the only Christmas we had together, she had gotten me a Christmas present (which I still have). That was such an incredibly nice thing to do, I loved going over to his family’s house, I felt like one of them instantly. His Mom respected him so much and included me in their life simply because I was part of his.

Wow! I was in such a hurry to grow up and live in the .big city’ I gave up someone that, for the first time, I never realized just how much I cared for and how much that person cared for me. How much I have lost in a single person before … how much I really enjoyed being with him. All these years I have never allowed myself to stop, to really remember! All these years I never let myself admit I had chosen the route that was purely for my own self-worth and ended up abandoning someone. Someone that I really loved and loved me back!

Trust me, this isn’t part of me feeling lonely, it’s simply me stopping and going what happened back then? Part of this rediscovering myself thing…. Something I … for so very long … never let myself stop and remember. Perhaps that is because I am now seeing just how wrong I was in my choice of direction in life.

I continue to race through my thoughts of him and all the memories. There are so many things I would love to write. There is only bad thing I do remember, it is what I had done to him, I moved out so abruptly and left while he was at work. We had talked many times prior to that but I didn’t give him the chance to stop me, I made sure not to give him that chance. Yet it is so incredible to me … I honestly can’t find anything bad besides how I treated him during that break up, not one thing … heck not even the stupid things you always hear people complain about bugged me.

He tried so very hard to keep me, to make me stay. He did everything right, he talked to me, he poured his heart out to me, he did all the things someone who truly loves you will do, all in an attempt to make me see what was really going on. He even said we would move! I am just NOW hearing those words that he spoke so many years ago…. I had built up so many walls around me; all in the attempt to do what I thought had to be done. I never noticed….

What does that say to you? I can’t remember any bad times with him, I can’t remember not loving him, and I can’t recall any thing that I didn’t like about him. I just remember how much I hated that stupid apartment we lived in and how I so much wanted to see Seattle. In my haste to grow I gave up someone who I probably could have been with to this day.

I wonder where he is, if he’s happy and if he’s ok. I wonder about his family and how they are doing. He was such a neat person and so incredible, I really hope his life turned out well. I do believe I have found the first thing in my life I wish I could turn back time and prevent from happening. I never realized how much I miss him until just now … almost 15 years later.

I’m not mad nor am I sad or upset; it was 15 years or so ago. I am a bit hurt at myself for not noticing what was right in front of me and that it has taken this long for me to stop and realize what was going on. And yes, maybe there is a side of me that feels bad because I am just now seeing how much he did love me and how incredibly hard he tried. I can only imagine the pain I put him through.

I think right now, I am lost just remembering this person who made such an impact on my life and how much fun I had knowing him. Besides what I have lost, I feel incredible from the simple fact that I knew him. Even now, all these years later, when I think of him, I feel alive, warm and loved. That was how he always made me feel and over a decade later, he still makes me feel that way … just from his memories.

P.S. This turned into more of a dedication to a lost love in my life than an entry. I am going to post this on my website, perhaps as a chance that someday he might stumble across it and know I am truly sorry, that I really regret what happened and that he is still a part of me even after all these years. I have never had regrets in life, that’s what I have always known true of me. I am confident in who I am and that I make the right decisions even though some have been hard and sometimes heart breaking. However this is a regret, my first regret! I really miss this person, deep down I miss him and I am so sorry it has taken me 15 years to finally realize that.

As for everyone else, thank Hermes for giving me something new to dwell on! Everyone blame Hermes….