I just had to make that the title of this entry. Actually I am unconcerned nor even thinking about the New Year. It’s just another day … at least that is how it feels to me.
So Christmas is over with. I am actually surprised at how it went. It really wasn’t that depressing this year … sorta. It got kind of sad Christmas Eve as all our neighbors had friends over and it seemed parties where everywhere. That felt a bit weird being home alone and no one to share the moment with. But I went for a drive and picked me up some good drinking stuff and made myself some of my favorite drinks, watched dumb movies and went crazy eating all sorts of things that I could think of to make.
I’m a bit irritated at life though. We went through that nasty wind storm a couple of weeks ago and lost power for four nights and days. The first couple of days where actually fun but on the second night when we saw EVERYONE around us regaining power except us, THEN it dragging in to the next day and yet another – still without power … that really sucked. I’m not happy with Seattle at the moment and it’s just one more notch on the belt.
During all that though, I think I realized some things about myself. I’m kind of feeling tired of the same grind I have been in for what has been a lot longer than a couple of years. I’ve kept my promise to Dazzle though he’s now in his home country and may or may not return. I’ve followed through with my promises to others to help them and yet what have I been doing for myself? Not a heck of a lot. I’ve gotten chubby, terribly moody and find myself getting irritable at anyone (or thing) that shows any sign of having someone in their life.
I’ve really got to make some changes for myself soon. I’m loosing parts of me in all this helping and though the return will be fine, it’s hurting me now. I’m kind of upset at others around me too but those feelings are coming from selfish desires, something I am not fond of having. None the less, it’s part of human nature to have these feelings … learning to deal with them is the trick. Perhaps an even bigger trick is learning why I am having those feelings and then how to deal with them.
Anyway, I am still thinking on all that. In other fronts, I have been doing updates to my web site which have been far more fun than I thought they would. I started working again on my auto-biography but kind of hit a wall when I realized just how freaking long the latest edition is turning in to. Add to all this, though I am finally recovering financially, little things such as my stupid internet connection seems to be aggravating me just like when I realized how little money I had. Stupid little things will set me on edge and make me sulk away from everyone.
I’ve got some ideas as to why I am feeling this way, I think the big one is the lack of doing anything. I really want to be out and doing things, I am so very tired of sitting around the house and putzing on the computer. It’s time to move on and have some fun again in my life but all around me it seems everyone is in the opposite of moods. And that’s where the selfishness kicks in, more drama for my life it seems. I’ve been doing everything alone for so many years now, the fun and appeal is gone, I really want to enjoy the moment with others.
One thing I really want to do is get away. I really want to take a trip to the Oregon coast and enjoy the area for a day or two, the hardest part about that is; when I think about it or even look at the pictures from my last trip I get very sad. There is a deep longing to go but I really don’t want to do it by myself, I found myself staring at a picture I took on my Oregon trip and almost started to tear up. It was an odd feeling, a feeling of yearning to be there again yet a deep desire to share it with someone. That was hard to deal with because the only way to change that is to change things in my own life. A hard task it seems.
So that is the update and probably the year end update. Back to the grind….