My mind goes so fast sometimes. All the information that seems to constantly be flowing in to me from all sources just never seems to let up. As I sit here debating on the idea of going to bed earlier, watching TV or just writing (of which I am doing), my mind seems to be racing ahead. I’d probably make a great novelist of I could bottle this data flow and write it all out.
I finally got the look of my web site setup. I’m pretty pleased with it though I think it needs a splash bit more color. I’ll look at it for a day or two and see what I come up with. Mostly though I have been so very tired and I think stressing on to many things. My car is having problems, nothing major but annoying things that I really need to get fixed before they get worse. I’m spending way to much money lately just on stupid crap like fast food and cigarettes. Work has been overwhelming yet kind of fun but oh so stressful. I feel as if I am gaining weight again which I don’t want to do. And finally, I feel so alone.
Have you ever heard of The Sims? Of course you have, who hasn’t heard of that dumb game. Well, I’ve been playing it on and off and though I can some how get so lost in it for hours upon hours, I always walk away feeling sad. I keep telling myself to create some Sims who are single and playing the field or who stay at home and do their thing happily. Yet what happens? They fall in love and then I have to marry them off, fight not to get kids and pets and they just always seem so happy to go about their lives with their new found love. Ugg… It’s a freaking game and it depresses me because those damn little Sims are having more fun than I am.
Maybe that’s just it, I have great friends (except for one who will currently remain nameless). But there just needs to be more. And yes, before I hear you say it, I know fully well that I am the one who has to make that change. But you see, that’s the sticky part. For who I am, I know what is ahead and as I have done for all those in my life either intentially or through clever mis-direction, I too must follow what I preach. I need to follow the course laid out in front of me and let events happen, choosing the right moments to adjust those events and letting life happen. If I try to force it I’ll choose a direction that might temporarily make things better but in the end … it will be just that, an End.
I ordered the patch yesterday, I needed some medicine and to get the free shipping I need to spend some more money. I couldn’t figure out what to get and ran across those famous smoking patches. I did a bit of research and decided it was now or never. I’m scared to get it. I like to smoke to some degree but I hate to a worse degree. Fithy, nasty habbit and everything always wreaks of the smoke. But I continue and I know what my lungs must look like, I probably will get cancer and I’ll probably be trying to catch my breath all the time like my father when I turn 60. It’s time to quit. I can appreciate why people do it, I can appreciate why people don’t and like a relationship that has run it’s course – it’s time to quit and move on. And, like those relationships, that is the same feeling I am having right now. The dread to take the action, the dread of my feelings and in an odd way, the dread of my bodies reaction without them. Well, that and how the hell am I going to relax without having a cigarette in my mouth? It’s been way to long but some how I lived a great life before I started, I can do it again.
It’s strange you know. The holidays are fast approaching and I am so very much not looking forward to Christmas. My favorite holiday that hasn’t been a great holiday in well over 10 years. But then there is Thanksgiving first and for some odd reason I am looking forward to that. I am planning on going to see my family and I am excited about this little trip. I really don’t know why, I’ve never been excited before but for some reason I really want to do this for myself. I need it and well, that is strange. I have no idea why “I need it” yet I know I do. I keep worrying that maybe it’s getting close to my Mom’s time but that doesn’t fit right. Something else has changed or will change, perhaps it will be something that will simply open my eyes to the possabilities around me? We’ll see but oh it will be fun.
Finally, one last thought, going back to the start of this little miff. I mentioned that I was lonely. I keep asking myself, are my standards to high? I am tired of settling for people who fit in to my life even if I have to push them in. Mr. Right is out there but all I can tell you and myself is we’ve yet to run across each other’s paths. I can feel his presence now and then – every so often he comes so close to me I can almost touch but then he’s gone. Patience is a virtue, my mother told me that so many times as a kid that it’s my motto. And in this case it’s very true, patience is a virtue and as long as I can hold on to that I’ll meet him. I just don’t want to meet him sooner rather than later. I want to spend as many years with him as possible, I want to have his thoughts filling mine for as long as possible.
Well, enough rambling, I think it’s time for a semi-early bed time.