Patients .. Relax ..

{{journal_mood sad}}

Ok this patients thing is killing me. I know … I know relax and go with the flow but I’ve been going with the flow for so long … ugg. Ok, relaxing I guess. It just sucks when the things you want are within your grasp yet they are unobtainable at this time. So no matter how hard you reach, you never can reach the whole way.

What’s really annoying is all the things I really want are wrapped around the hardest things to obtain. If I could throw money at them I would, hell I would throw all I had if it would help but it would only bring a moment of happiness, it doesn’t bring what I want any closure. Actually it just pushes it farther away most times.

I don’t know, I kind of wish I could either stop time for a while. Just have everything oh hold and frozen. Trust me that would be a moment I could truly relax. Or if I could speed up time and just get past all this. However, that just ends up making me miss what I needed to learn and in the end … just back-fires since I didn’t actually go through the motions to get what I wanted in the first place.

I know without a doubt I have done the right thing and I am on the right path. I just have to follow it and be patient. Smell the flowers along the way and relax. Eventually I will get to where I need to be and all this will be in the past.

What’s so annoying about all this is I know it already, I know I am pretty much guaranteed what I am seeking but freaking aye, I just want to move forward at a faster pace. There is always a chance I might stumble or get head off by some unsuspecting and highly interesting other path; in all honesty those are always the fun but my end goal is the same … I just want it now and really don’t want to be side tracked this time.

I talked a lot with my old high school friend in emails today. It was really a lot of fun and out of everyone; I can safely say he’s my oldest friend. Though we haven’t really talked in MANY years it is nice to rekindle the friendship we once had. I think I am going to call him Mustang. Yes he’d probably know what it means but just in case, it refers to the many … and I do mean many trips we would take in my Ford Mustang. I have to admit thought it is most relevant to one trip where we’ll just say … hub-caps come off a car pretty easy when doing stupid things at high-speed.

A few things Mustang said echo in my mind. The big one is the fact that I need a good hobby or activity to express myself. The writing is my expression, it lets me say things I probably wouldn’t say to anyone and it lets me think through my thoughts as I type them out. But alas, it doesn’t consume my whole day and it doesn’t take my mind off my problems though it does help me to understand them.

Hermes and I loaded up one of the many online games we us to play. We figured we would give it a shot since we haven’t played it in a long time. I want to play games but well, they just aren’t what they us to be. As I told Mustang, they are nothing but grind … grind and then grind some more. Plus I think I just want to be away from my computers. I work on computers all day and though I highly enjoy it, I think even I need a break. Or maybe Hermes is right, I need to turn off instant messenger and just do my thing. I love being on my laptop, lounging around and typing but I get on my main computer and immediately start stressing about things….

Instant messenger is a great tool and it’s always running. Yes I am always hidden but I keep it on for one big reason, so my friends can find and chat with me when they need too. Lately though, besides Hermes and Boy Wonder, the occasional message from Mustang and the ever rare message from Bare Foot. I am plagued with people who I us to know or do know that either need computer help, want to brag about this or that, need to ask some other strange question or simply feel the need to say hi because no one else is responding.

I guess I am feeling like the local tech support line, gossip columnist and "I’m bored, look Ghost is online I’ll say hi until so and so shows up" person. What’s even more annoying about this is Boy Wonder. I know he’s not that way but when he messages through and gets interrupted by things in his life, I just feel like he’s doing what everyone else is doing.

I wish I could honestly say he’s not doing the same as the others but that is my only communication with him lately and trying to have a friendship over nothing but instant messenger really doesn’t work, at least not for me. The last couple of days he has been calling after work which is very cool and makes me feel a whole lot better about our friendship but I just wish we did more as friends like we started too.

Yeah … yeah, he’s got stuff he’s dealing with but at what point do you say enough already? I don’t know, patients … I need to be patient with him and let him work on his demons. But if he doesn’t hurry up I am going to come over there and start punching the living crap out of them for him.

If it wasn’t for Boy Wonder, I would probably just shut down the instant messenger and revert back to the phone and emails. Luckily my latest email change hasn’t spread and besides my friends who I want to talk to the others don’t email anymore. Besides SPAM, email is rather nice and it was even cooler today with everyone I chatted with.

And Hermes still hasn’t called, of course he will probably call tonight as my mood has now shifted downwards and will have to listen to me babble but right now, I kind of need that I think. Mood is going down again; at least I had a day or two of good thoughts.

UPDATE: I called Hermes and we talked. Well he listened as I went on and on and on. I honestly exhausted myself from talking. A new first for me! All is ok, I am just a bit down and a tad bit hurt (not at Hermes … I think more at myself and how I tend to expect to much from people at times). Everything is ok and my comments that this replaces where uncalled for. Instead of adding a new entry, I removed them because it wasn’t fair to the person I was complaining about, not that he reads this but sorry anyway….