Future = ???

{{journal_mood indifferent}}

{{journal_location Listening to – Steve Reid – Mysteries (Bay Smooth Jazz Radio 105.9)}}

Who says the future is unwritten? Yeah I know, lots of reputable people. Perhaps it is an unknown and perhaps there is a plan for each of us. I would wager a bet that both are true … to some extent. In my view, our future is an unknown that has some guarantees on it’s destination.

You see, from how I view it, we each have rolls to play in life. We live to expand ourselves, to fill voids both in ourselves and in each other. We typically strive to enhance life around ourselves and those we care about. So our future is made up of events that progress us further along in the great scheme of things. Some people reach their dreams, others get close and then there are some that get so bogged down with what should be that they fail to look around and see what is.

What is, isn’t that bad but perhaps it could be better. But that’s the problem, what is takes over and before you know it that is what should be. It’s rather sad to watch the world around you devolve in to what should be simply because what is just seemed either easy and comfortable or moving past that point of what is to what should be … got hard … dramatic … depressing … lonely … you fill in the rest. It seems many have an excuse for their current state of life. But in my opinion, that excuse is just there to negate the list noted above. It’s easier to have an excuse then face reality some times.

So, what is the point of this ramble. Nothing I guess. Just rambling thoughts passing through my mind. For me, I am at the what is stage and let me tell you, it’s all those things I noted above and more. But unlike some of my fellow human beings, I refuse to just sit around and let what is become what should be. I’m moving on to what should be and if it takes me another five years, so be it. What should be is going to be what is and not the other way around. So there!

I spent this weekend writing a program. The previous week I sat down and went through an entire manual on programming in C++. It was loads of fun, I just can’t wait to do that again! NOT! I did it for two reasons. One I wanted to learn C++, I started many years ago and stopped. I got bored and just thought, it was to hard. It is hard and some serious pain in the butt stuff. But this weekend I took what I learned and wrote me a nifty little program in Windows. It’s pretty cool actually. It goes out and gets a list of files to download and then compares what is on my computer to the list and then downloads any missing or changed files. It’s rather complex and really challenged me to figure it out. There’s nothing like sitting there for two hours on one single line of code trying over and over again to figure out how to make it work. Ugg.

So I did it. I went and learned what I thought was to hard and actually managed to create a pretty cool program, one in which I needed. It’s still got some bugs and things to work out, stuff that can work better, some results I’d rather see and so on but for my first C++ program it’s pretty cool. Hello World is out the door baby, I’m going for the big stuff. None of those baby steps for me, I know what I want and I’m going to get it.

And that brings me back to my original ramble. I could sit around and get fed up with how life is turning, especially now. I mean, it’s not fun. I’m out of money, it seems like as soon as I am close to catching up another bill hits. My friends are all but gone, Hermes hasn’t been social in a long time. I keep forgetting to call Barefoot and Boy Wonder I think needs to move on with his life. Dazzle is about to leave on a trip to another country shortly and well, that leaves me just to myself. Yippee … another year of loneliness. I’m so looking forward to that. I might just have to throw myself a party. But all sarcasm aside, that does sound pretty sucky and down right awful right?

It is sad, that’s ok, I know it is. The point being, it’s going to be that way for a while. Heck if you have been reading this journal long then you’d see just what the heck my life has been like. It’s been one nasty problem and drama filled moment after another. And yes, it’s probably going to continue but have I given up and thrown in the towel yet? Not a chance! Sure I wanted to move a while back, I wanted to quit my job and I wanted to end some things but I didn’t. I kept fighting and I am going to keep fighting because life is about the fight. When you stop fighting you loose. I’m not going to loose and I’m going to continue and try to make my life better. Crap and all, bring it on and let’s keep the dance going. What is … frankly I’ve turned it into a game.

So to all those who are just going with what is, for shame on you. Go all the way and if it sucks right now, it will get better. It’s your life and if you want something better, you’re the only one who can do it. All good things come to those who wait, that’s the saying but there is another too. The harder it is the more worth wild it will be. Both our true. I’m going to find my destiny and live my dreams. It may take some time and it will probably be a nightmare on the way but I refuse to give up. I haven’t yet, so why settle. (And that’s a period people! That wasn’t a question.)