Christmas was awful and then it was followed by a dreadful New Years. Actually both of the actual days where fine, it just wasn’t what I had hoped. I don’t make resolutions or goals for myself at the beginning of the year, I’ve found that they get altered and changed as time moves forward. For the most part my life is adjusted and altered around those I care about, I enjoy that very much and live for the unexpected and the quick changes (or curves) life throws you.
For me, I have been fighting off the chilling feeling of depression that has slowly been trying to work its way back into my life. As I told Boy Wonder the other day, it has been and is a constant battle lately. I never want to go back to where I was a year ago yet some days the calling and quite echo of those dark feelings beckon in such a luring way that it’s hard to resist.
The nice thing about who I am is this constant drive to never give up. Yesterday was one of those days, I really just wanted to give up and say screw it. I really just wanted to run away and say $%#@ the world so very badly. But, as always, this internal drive that I have made me push on and try harder which had the day ending incredibly nicely and me able to fall asleep feeling good. The biggest problem is: I was fine up until about an hour ago, those feelings have come back and I am now fighting to hold on to my positive attitude.
The reason why I keep doing this could be very simple. I want things in life and events need to happen so that I can feel better about myself. Unfortunately, this thing I want involves others and I have never been ok with asking people for help in reaching something I want. This time I have asked and the end results, if they come to light, would finally let me have something I have always sought, yet if I am let down then I am going to be crushed. It’s easier to be crushed and no one knowing your crushed then being crushed and trying to hide it knowing others are aware of what is going on.
So … time to be honest with myself … what is bothering me. I am feeling scared and alone. I’ve put my happiness in someone else’s hands and manipulated my surroundings around me in such a way to get what I have wanted yet if one thing fumbles or breaks, it is all for not and I’ll be left without the things I have worked so hard to get. Sure I’ll survive; just like I have always done, but last time I did this … given my trust and desires to someone to help … I was left behind and forgotten.
This time though, it won’t make me stronger like it had before, it will re-open wounds and feelings that never did heal over, that never had the chance to be resolved and though I might have that chance this time … I honestly don’t know if I will be able to deal with it. Life is not as easy nor as uncomplicated as it was when I was younger and given that I am much older and not as … shall we say … spunky as I once was, the weight of everything that looms over me now days frightens me to my bones.
I’ve worked so very hard these last months to manipulate, alter, change, adjust, fit and create the things in my life to provide me with the happiness I should have been seeking years ago; I want so much to see it all come to light. But I know that if it doesn’t, that if something changes beyond what I had expected or planned for, I am going to have to rush to fix or repair it … or … watch it falter and vanish.
Everything I had hoped for will be gone and like a bad western movie, I’ll be standing in a ghost town watching the tumble weed slowly move across the road. Unlike that bad western, I seriously doubt I will be able to get on my horse and move on. This new ghost town could be my new home and my new place to dwell. My only neighbor being the depression that lurks in the back of my mind calling and whispering to me like a blanket ready to cover me and let the world slowly slip away.
And right now, there is something pushing on the door of my carefully laid plans, trying to work its way in and on to the perfectly formed foundation I have set. I’m trying to keep it at bay, trying to fight it or adjust it so that it can be part of the plan (or removed, which ever works). Sadly though, it is pushing as hard as me and since I have been working so long to make everything happen, my strength and abilities seem to be getting weaker and I am getting too tired to keep up the fight.
To make matters worse, part of my plan is also helping someone get their goals and desires in their own life. It’s all inter-twined actually and makes everything so much more complicated. I can deal with the complications, I enjoy that portion but this fight to protect and just let things pan out is getting harder and harder each day. It’s only a matter of time before the door holding back the most current problem gives and the pieces will fall.
(2 hours later….)
However, before I could finish typing my latest novel, good news came. Boy Wonder has gotten his job working with me. It’s not the perfect setup yet but it’s a compromise with me and the company. Work has been awful lately and is getting worse. I’ve known Boy Wonder for several years and one thing about us is we work incredibly well as a team. Having him work with me, in my department though I will technically be his supervisor, will be to have an actual team mate to help me do the variety of things I do for our large company and have done alone for several years.
So, the ghost town I was speaking of earlier now has a horse for me to ride out. I still have some ways to go before I can say my life is my own again but it’s finally all starting to happen. All my planning and preparations are beginning to play out, for me, I see a light finally … the light I have been searching for … the light that always seemed to be missing for the past many years is ahead. It’s still a very long ways off but I can see it and I have a surge of energy knowing that I actually have a chance to reach it and come out the other side as myself, someone who I haven’t seen in a very long time.
P.S. To all my friends who read this, thank you for waiting on me and for trying to be there though I keep those walls closed. Don’t worry, I’ll be back and stronger than I was, I just need this time to understand and cope with these changes haunting me. Your insight is always important but knowing you are all there and patiently waiting for me to deal with my traumas means the world to me and helps keep me standing strong as I try even when it is dark outside. That especially goes out to Hermes who I know more than anything wants to help but instead has probably made voodoo dolls of me as he tries to get me to open up. I know your there my friend and that I haven’t forgotten.