I’m tired. I haven’t been going to bed at a good time … thanks Hermes for keeping me awake talking until the wee hours of the night not that I didn’t need the support.
I just got off the phone with Opus. It was so very nice to talk to him and finally speak about what happened in the past and even about the current. It was nice to hear about his life and that it is going well. I’ve really missed talking to him; I just wish I didn’t have all these things looming over me. I caught myself several times drifting off on to topics of my life, my problems and my issues. I didn’t want to do that, I wanted so much to hear about his life, his partner’s life and the world he lives in. He does have this sites address so he better speak up and tell me if I drifted too much. But I know Opus and he will.
The one thing I realized as we sat there talking, his friendship, Hermes friendship and Bare Foot’s friendship all feel so comfortable and relaxed. I can sit and talk to them forever, I can speak the oddest things and open up without worrying that they would be offended or irritated with me. And … I know when they tell me something I probably don’t want to hear, that they mean well even though I might not agree. Their comments are coming from the heart which is what you expect from a good friend.
Opus brought up something that I have been fighting with for some time. I know that I haven’t fully recovered from the entire trauma in my life around the events a while back and it is only now that I feel as if I am starting to move forward. Some things in my life might not be good ideas right now and they might need to be trimmed off or at least put aside for the time being. This might be true and … sadly … I can’t finish that statement.
I write the above in metaphors because I might know the answers but I am not strong enough to voice them … even here. I don’t think I am capable to do what I should because it would cause so much pain in my life, even though it would be the right thing to do. Doing it might push me further in to an area that I am not sure I can control nor deal with.
*purposely changes the subject*
I do know one thing though, I am freaking horny as hell and really … really … want to cuddle up to someone and feel safe. For Opus: you’re safe; this was something I got after we finished talking. I enjoyed our conversation so much I really wanted to share it with someone, well … share the feeling of being loved and cared for by those I care about. Ok and maybe the cute neighbor next door had a little to do with that, he is very hot and just had to be standing outside as I walked down the hall. What I can’t gawk at my neighbors? I wasn’t drooling this time so that’s an improvement.
Ahh well, in time things will improve on all these fronts. As I am learning (reluctantly), patients is something I need to embrace and maybe toss in some relaxation. I just really would like to feel a bit happier right now, it’s not like I have a bad life or anything, just an empty one. I really wish I could fill that emptiness quicker … sad thing is, that is probably the reason I need to learn patients.
Oh my god, my life is one big catch-22. I think I am going to go to bed and see if I can muster up a dream about Mr. Installer. Maybe tomorrow, I really should think about buying a new stereo for my car.
Quick update for the car followers out there: The Vette got a clean bill of health, got its big maintenance done and even wowed the mechanics since it still had ALL of its original parts in place even after 100k in miles (including the spark plugs). I still will have to go back to have them do the ABS system, apparently this little … itty … super tiny … almost microscopic … bearing is going out and it will need to be replaced. It’s only another $1k and is being shipped in, so $2k down and yet another $1k for tires. I might not have a man to spend lots of money on or shower with gifts so I guess I’ll shower my Corvette with them instead. Though I still think I REALLY need a new stereo.