Well, ok. I didn’t expect anything different but I had hope. Ah well, hope is what lets you survive. So, another Thanksgiving done and gone. Another holiday turned in to misery finished. Christmas is next and then New Years. I have to admit, I kind of floated through Turkey Day without much thought. I just kept myself busy and putzed around on what ever seemed to cross my path.
I’m not sure how I feel right now. I’m kind of trying to figure that one out. I am wondering if I’m suppressing my emotions or I am just getting us to the new routine.
Well, it’s taken me over an hour to write that little tidbit. Each time stopping and saying let’s just end it there. *insert a long sigh here*
My journal is of my thoughts, not necessarily the actions I am planning on taking. It’s a place for me to toss out some ideas, admit some bits of information about myself that I can’t easily take back and move on with life. I think right now I am angry. And it’s not something I admit with ease, my anger is over something I created. I created the life I am now consumed in and it’s nothing something someone else has contributed in so … there is no one I can blame but myself.
So what am I angry about, a bit of selfishness actually? All the things I have done and accomplished, people I have helped and stood by, opinions I have set aside to understand someone else’s … all these things I’ve done … and know I watch everyone’s worries get set aside while they enjoy parts of their lives. Yet here I sit, alone and with my cat. Each moment knowing that I will have to put on my happy face and try and provide the hope that we all desire. But down inside me, a part of myself is left empty and dead yet holding on to the fact that things will change.
Everything is on track; things are where they should be. I just need to hold on and have hope, something I remind everyone else every single day. Listening to one’s self is an art and one that I am trying to learn but it’s the hardest lessons in life that prove to be the hardest.